Coming to terms with change

[Anne Caroline Akers]

Greetings to all from Anne Akers, Australia,
I stummbled across this site looking for solutions for my back pain. I have prolapses of L3 L4 L5 and S1 and am in agony. I am taking anti-inflamatories and pain killers which do help, I think its the debilitating side of things that are gett me down. I have had to stop work and this scares the hell out of me as I am an Alternative Therapist with many folk dependant on me in my community. I feel my life is at a cross-roads, I am 51yrs of age and having to think about a career change and the financial worry of medical bills mounting has added to my stress.
Yet I am searching within to find guidance and strength. I have been flat on my back for three days too scared to move as terrible spasms hit me out of no-where. Finding this site has uplifted me in that there are others who are sharing the same struggle, I would love to hear from any of you ,as I believe we can support each other in ways those who do not have this chronic pain can.
In love and Light
Anne

[elizabeth brown]

hi anne not heard from you in ages...when you get time let me know how you and your husband are doing. my surgery 1st september so keep a watch when i start to update from post op..shall still be checking site till my addmission on 27th august.
liz x

[elizabeth brown]

hi anne. ive been thinking abour charlotte since i woke this morning too. My did your letter touch home with me honey and the part where you mention friends drop like flies oh boy can i relate to that..im lucky with one true friend and she has always been there for me but works crazy hours so she does text everyday and we try meet once a week...we have a saying here that " you only have one true friend in life the rest are just aquaintances" that ring home to me regular and my old friends say you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself....anne they have no idea but the big world turns and one day and they are not invinsible this may happen to them...Hospitals i have lost faith in and basically been left to get on with this and my gp will tell me how brave i am...I reply to him and say sorry doc but if this was my dog i would have her put down and put out of misery for kindness...I don,t think there is a road i have not been down and too many lows and not enough highs along the way.... like you i try to keep focused and keep my good thoughts for bad days to help me get through....
people think im crazy when i tell them of the last three yrs and i don,t blame them because the fact is its so hard to believe nhs can leave you like this.
good idea hun to let family member take you to townsville as you have extra workload if hubby takes to bed through pain from drive and exhaustion....i can relate about not burdening the family as i do the same and it is hard for them to understand pain such as this but they are there if i need them and thats a comfort....we can be thankful there as somewhere some poor soul is suffering this and probably no one to help them....
do tell me more about where you live anne and about your family so i get to know the real you and i shall do same with yourself next e.mail too you...this site is a blessing and lets make the most of it....i will be online later so will watch for your reply and see how charlotte has got on today..ooh feel for her today.
take care ann and hubby and shall hear from you later.
hugs liz xox

[Anne Caroline Akers]

Hi Elizabeth, sounds like you have been through the mill as well. Why does it take so long to get help, the hospitals are overcrowded I know but your 3yrs waiting in so much pain is really terrible. Like yourself I am a public patient, sitting in out-patients waiting rooms for hours is comparable to torture. We had private cover when Gordon had his accident, getting him treatment was easy if you had the cash. He had a payout from work but it was not enough to set us up as he had pre-existing back problems, the court went to town on this and only gave him the least they could. This run out very quickly, I think lifting and helping him strained my back in the end, so here we are two lame ducks, depending on pain relief waiting to get an appointment at the public out-patients department.
The spa does sound good, the more I think about it the more I am convinced it will be theraputic on many levels. I'm hanging off buying it untill I get my MRI done, if they think I need surgery we will have to travel up to Townsville Hosp and stay there for a few days, it is a 5hr drive, I am going to ask one of my daughters to take me as Gordon will end up a mess.. I can understand your battle with depression Elizabeth, I think I may be suffering it to. I have days where I just want to sleep my life away. I snap myself out of it and try to do things like write, read and potter around with my pot plants. One thing that I have noticed is that when people are going through this kind of suffering, friends drop off. At first I became upset about this, who wants to be around people who are sick all the time. We kept knocking back invitations to parties and other functions because either Gordon or both of us were just not up for it. Plus drinking is such a part of social life, being on painkillers makes this not an option. Our familyies have been great, I try not to talk about us and our struggles, I ask them about thier lives, it is a bit one sided I know, but I dont like burdoning our loved ones all the time. In some ways having these health issues is very lonely, it is only those who are also struggling that truly know what we go through on a daily basis. I went through a patch just after christmas where I began to feel downright sorry for myself and my lot. I wanted to run away, to where I did not know. I figured I would be taking myself with me wherever I went. I bought a couple of books on managing chronic pain, this hepled, there were some good tips that I have used. Mediation has helped me in ways I never thought possible. I get myself comfortable on the bed and play Loise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. I have only made it to the end once without falling asleep, so we play it at night as our sleeping pill. I have been thinking of Charlotte all day, its strange but nice to have this group, I wish I could of been there for her physically for support. Lynne spoke about her surgery being successful, this was a ray of hope for the future for me at least. Gordon cannot have surgery because he has advanced osteo arthritis in his spine and is an insulin dependent diabetic and too much of a surgical risk. Even if I can get some of my old zing back it will improve life for the two of us. I have not had suicidal thoughts per'se, I have thought about how nice it would be to re-incarnate into a healthy pain free body. I am working on spiritual solutions as well, being an Alternative Therapist I have helped many with massage, aroma therapy oils, reflexology and so forth. Sadly for us these treatments are so expensive to have regularly. I had a massage some weeks back, it was glorious and I fely so much better mentally for a couple of weeks. I guess we have to keep it all in the day, sometimes in the hour on those really rough days. I will go and have a lay down for now and do the same as you, visualize laying back in a hot aromatherapy spa, sippin on a Pina Colada.
Yours in Love and light
Annexoxo

[elizabeth brown]

hi anne,
thank for your friends request honey and so sorry you are suffering. Im now three years and waiting on appointment for hospital in city for surgery. My L5/s1 prolapse increased last july and the fools gave me physical exam from hell last monday and been in horrific pain since.. How wonderful us women are when comes to pain barrier but i never imagined it would happen to me..Active all my life and like you my two dogs including me have increased weight lol.....im having joint problems now and seemingly this is caused from the spine as any tests ive had have came back negative for arthritis... Im 48 and feel 84 and i can honestly say i know a few that age that are fitter than me...
OOOH a spa sounds heavenly just now infact i will hold on to that thought and when i lie in bed with no sleep again i shall imagine im in it...How on earth do you and your poor husband cope and we may bang on about our nhs but you have medical bills to add to all this as you say.. I just got poor charlottes reply and wonder how her day went today? I had the suicide thoughts 16 months ago and as i told my gp if this were our poor dogs we have them put down and out of misery....One can never imagine the pain we endure with this but i learned to be positive and focused on taking every day as it comes....Im lucky to have a fantastic gp and over these past 3 years he has seen me through my depression and was the only one who had faith in me at the start that i had damaged a disc.
Im so glad i found this site and we can all support each other and as they say together we can make good medicine, and new friendships and lift each other spirits.
Looking forward to getting to know you and welcome to our family. Keep smiling anne its hard i know at times and give my regards and support to your husband too.. keep in touch honey. big hugs liz xox

[Anne Caroline Akers]

OH Charlotte I so hear you, it is hard to keep bright and happy when dealing with pain as a constant compaion. My husband had an accident in the mines two years back and he also suffers with 5 prolapsed discs. It seems we limp from doctors appointments to hospitals together. We both actually laugh at each other saying things like "come on hop along" and call each other old boy and old girl. This keeps us going, our wierd sense of humour. I know how awful it is to fall, was someone there to help you up? Luckily my big 17yr old was home from school the day I fell, otherwise Gordon my hubby would of had to ring a neighbour to get me on the bed. With your trip to the consultant tomorrow, may be dose yourself up and prop some pillows around yourself. I remember around Christmas time we travelled 6hrs to visit family, I ended up laying across the back seat coming home as I was in so much pain. Its funny how we find little coping strategies to get through the day, we are buying a portable spa pool, a friend has one and she says it helps her immensley when the pain gets too much, she does gentle excercises in the water to strengthen her muscles. I too have gained weight since my last prolapse, this can be quite depressing in itself. It was not because I suddenly began to eat more, it was because I became way less active and was not burning up the calories with my long evening walks with my two dogs, even they have put on weight poor things. The portable spas are not that expensive, around $400 Australian, a good investment that will ease pain and help with gentle exercise. I pray all goes well for you tomorrow Charlotte, let us know how things go for you. In love and light. Anne xoxo

[charlotte knight]

hi there thanks anne for the friends request, although its not a nice reason to make friends its nice to know im not alone in this hell, my life has been turned upside down with this, i fall quite often now and recently fell in the garden and cut my face up which is truly upsetting to me and my family, my gp has got me an appointment with the consultant tomorow its a 2 hour drive away which in itself will be agony and the only appointment i could have was 7.55am so after having my usual 3 hours sleep that will be fun not! im just so scared that as i am overweight he will just send me home and say lose weight and come back, this pain has been so bad that i have had suicidal thoughts so i really dont know what will happen if he says that its getting harder and harder to find any positive in this big hugs to you
charlottexx

[Anne Caroline Akers]

Thanks Lynne, I have soldiered on with this pain for years, last week my legs gave out and I fell on the floor in agony, what a scare that gave me. I am under the care of an orthopedic surgeon who has ordered new MRI scans, I think I am looking at surgery soon. I just get so tired from the pain, I was such an active person, going hiking in the Australian outback, now I am flat out going to the shop for milk and bread. I know I am still adjusting to the possibility of great changes to my lifestyle and am trying to find positives in this, how have you coped with changing your life? Cheers. Anne

[lynne wood]

HI ANNE
don't be down, :) i have had 3 disc's removed, and still suffering 13 years later.... they said they cannot operate anymore as its getting too close to the spinal cord :( i live on pain killers, i stopped the anti-inflamatories as they have messed up my tummy, i would defo say get the opp done as i could not even go to the toilet i had to crawl on my hands and knee's, let alone clean my own bits, i often cryed myself to sleep ...... although i had the opp done in fact i had two opps, it really helped but sadly im still suffering, but no way near as bad
chin up hun
kindest regards lynne (england)